Why I Hate Tricksters, By Dean Winchester
by TerraZeal
Summary: Tired of getting harassed by Dean, Gabriel decides to mess with him. Mpreg. Cas/Dean. Bottom!Dean. Will be multi-chapter since I can't fit everything into one story. Meant to be humor.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:** A reviewer asked for this to be included in my big fic, **There Can Be No Peace**, but I just don't think it will fit and I'm not a fan of this type of fic, so I made it separate. I thought it would be hilarious, once I thought about it a bit, but it just doesn't fit with the plot of my other fic. Mpreg, and Cas/Dean slash with Bottom!Dean. Vaguely takes place after/during **There Can Be No Peace**. If you don't know who Rachel is, read **There Can Be No Peace**. In short, she's Bobby's girlfriend. Rachel is NOT an OC. She's a canon character, just with a slightly changed name. Tried to make the sex as non-smutty as possible to keep the T rating, so I kept it short. Will be multi-chapter, since I can't fit everything in one chapter. _

_Why I Hate Tricksters, By Dean Winchester_

At a small bed and breakfast inn, Cas was massaging Dean's back, which ached profusely after he'd said one too many sarcastic things to Loki, the resident Trickster who was fucking his brother, and Loki had retaliated by telepathically tossing him into a wall. Or through it, and giving him a mean look and threatening to tell Sam.

"When are you going to learn, Dean? If you keep harassing Loki, he might do something worse than just throw things at you or throw you at things." Cas gave Dean a slight glare and slapped his ass.

Dean stood up. "I'm sorry! He's just such an easy target...and I haven't forgiven him for that time he made me die about forty times or something."

"Wait, what?" Cas looked baffled.

"Uhm, nothing. It was a, uh...long time ago." Dean hastily reassured Cas, who would likely find SOME way to kill Loki if he found out he'd been responsible for killing Dean repeatedly in a timeloop. Even if Dean had ended up okay.

Cas gave Dean a penetrating stare, which had somehow lost a little potency since he'd lost his angel powers, but still gave Dean the shivers. Good and bad shivers. "Okay, whatever you say...as long as he didn't kill you and then revive you or something...if he did, I would make him pay."

Dean leaned back onto Cas, using him as a pillow. "I know you would. Sam would THEN make YOU pay...so...uh...no matter what happens to me cuz of that shithead, lets not kill him."

Cas just sighed and lay his head on Dean's shoulder. "Fine, but Loki better watch it. I'm too protective of you to just let him mess with you." Cas gripped Dean and pulled him back against him, rather hard in Dean's opinion.

Speaking of hard...Dean felt a little something hard pressing into the small of his back. He twisted around and raised an eyebrow at Cas. "So, uh, is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Okay...even I know that was extremely lame."

Cas kissed Dean, pushing him down on the bed they'd been leaning on. "What do you think, love?"

"Oh, god! When does the damn honeymoon phase END with you two!" Loki had walked by the open door and looked at them with a bit of disgust, but still managed to smartass them.

"Dude, go away. Cas, we have to remember to close and lock our doors. Creeps might peek in. Or worse things, like Tricksters." He gestured at Loki, who was just standing there sneering.

"Sam said he asked you to stop being a dick to me. I guess that ain't happening, is it? Hmm." Loki looked thoughtful, which was always a bad thing, in Dean's experience. "Say, you wanna visit another Timeloop? I know Sam thought it was funny...I mean, after I explained and all." Loki grinned wickedly at Dean.

Cas glared at former archangel Gabriel turned Loki. "What do you mean, 'timeloop'?"

Loki chuckled. "What, hasn't Dean told you? I killed him about twenty times or so when I put Sammy in a timeloop...it was hilarious, but you had to be there to really enjoy the hilarity of it."

Cas leapt up and darted forward, in an awkward attempt to strangle Loki. Dean held him back. "CAS! Its nothing. I'm okay! I'm not dead! And, uh, Sam and Loki kinda met that way. I mean, uh, really met. Not in the sexual way. Just in the 'talking' way. So it wasn't all bad!"

The former angel still glared at Loki with death in his eyes. If looks could kill, Loki would have been toast.

"See? No harm, no foul! Its all good. And I fell in love with Sammy then, too, you know. His strength, bravery, his unwillingness to give up, no matter how dire the situation...mmm...I don't know why you chose this dumbass, Castiel." Loki jerked a thumb at Dean.

Dean didn't stop Cas this time when he tried to strangle the Trickster. Cas managed to tackle Loki to the floor and punched at him, only slamming his fist into the floor when Loki teleported away. Cas's fist was bleeding when he looked around for Loki, intent on murdering him violently.

"Over here, bad boy. Your aim really sucks. Maybe Dean could teach you how to hit things sometime...say, when you guys are fucking, does Dean have to help you aim your dick into his ass?"

Dean took advantage of Loki's unnecessarily long insult to smash the back of the Trickster's head with a nearby lamp. Loki crumpled to the floor, but, being a god, was only bleeding a bit and looked slightly dazed.

"Ow. That kinda hurt. You know...back when I was hangin around Odin and them...I kinda had this situation...well, I wonder how you would handle the same thing, dumbass?" Loki stood up, a bit wobbly from being clobbered by Dean.

Dean and Cas had finally managed to calm down enough that neither tried to murder Loki when he insulted Dean this time. Dean still gazed questioningly at Loki. "What do you mean? What situation? Did you like, get killed by OTHER people you insulted constantly?"

Loki snorted. "No. Well, okay, yes, but thats not what I meant. Heimdall only killed me ONCE, by the way." He glared at Dean, for not knowing his Norse mythology. "I meant...well, you'll see...in a few months."

Loki gestured at Dean. Green light flew from his hand and smacked Dean right in the face, knocking him down, but seemingly doing him no other harm. Cas knelt down to help Dean up, and glared at Loki, who just smirked and teleported away, likely to fuck Sam in another room or insult Bobby or Rachel. Rachel liked Loki for some reason. Likely because he used to be her brother. She put up with his insults and jokes because she was probably used to them.

Bobby just ignored him, even when insulted directly. He spent most of his time not texting Crowley back. Crowley seemed to have some weird infatuation with Bobby and constantly sent him text messages, which Bobby steadfastly ignored.

Except for the time he'd sent Rachel a text of Bobby and he kissing. Rachel had just rolled her eyes and said something insulting about demons, not really caring that Bobby had once made a deal with him, but Bobby had sent Crowley an angry text and told him to stop fucking texting him and his girlfriend. Crowley, of course, had not listened, and still badgered Bobby with annoying text messages daily.

Now that Loki was gone, hopefully for good, Dean managed to get up with Cas's help and closed and locked the door. It wouldn't keep Loki OUT since he could teleport, but it would keep him from constantly being a peeping tom. WHY he had to do that, no one knew. Sam just snorted and thought it was funny.

"So, what now, babe? Fuck me?" Dean asked hopefully, giving Cas one of those looks that couldn't be ignored.

"I still want to go kill Loki. After we make love, can I go kill him? Please? He'll just come back, so Sam won't STAY mad..." Cas trailed off when he noticed Dean's angry glare.

"He's a dick, but no killing him. He's still my brother's lover. I'd be pretty pissed if Sam killed you. How do you think Sam would feel if you killed Loki? Yeah, thats right, he'd want to kill you. So hold off on that for awhile. Now...other business?" Dean pulled a jar of lube out of the duffel bag he used to carry he and Cas's clothing.

"Fine...but I swear I'm killing him, one of these days..." Cas snatched the jar of lube from Dean. He undressed the elder Winchester with practiced ease, and slid a lubed up finger into Dean's waiting ass.

Dean moaned. "Ungh...dude...if you're gonna undress me, you gotta get naked too. No fair if you don't."

"If I weren't naked, we couldn't do this..." Cas slid his tongue down Dean's naked back, causing the other man to shiver in anticipation. Cas shrugged off the sweater and jeans Dean had talked him into wearing and pinned Dean's arms to the bed, teasing him by slowly and achingly pressing the tip of his cock lightly into Dean's lubed up ass.

"Cas...stop teasin' me...I've had enough jokes today with dickface..." Dean moaned, face pressed against the bed.

Cas stroked Dean's now-sweaty hair, mumbled random words of love and reassurance and stopped teasing him. He plunged into Dean with practiced ease, just as easily as removing clothing. It didn't have the same effect. Dean cried out in pleasure and pain. Cas thrust in and out of his beloved, puncturing his moans with little nibbles on his neck and ears.

Dean liked it when Cas was naughty. The former angel didn't get naughty often enough for his liking, but when he did, it was great.

Dean was hard, ready, and quivering by the time Cas had shot his seed inside him. He could still feel his angel's slick, sweet seed in between his asscheeks. It was hot, and wonderful.

"Finish me, baby..." he moaned, hoping Cas would hurry up, but the former angel seemed to be taking his sweet time. He had flipped Dean over onto his back and was now kissing, licking, caressing his chest, shoulders, legs...everything BUT the part that needed it.

He was throbbing, aching, by the time Cas finally got there and started to lick and suck his hardness. It wasn't long until he came, arching his back and crying Cas's name. Cas was gasping as he slid up Dean's body to kiss him.

Dean could taste his own seed on Cas's lips. His angel had, of course, swallowed his seed. Cas told him there was nothing in the world that tasted sweeter. Dean thought Cas was just making shit up. They kissed for a bit until they both fell asleep.

Several weeks later, Dean woke with what he assumed was a really bad case of stomach flu. They were staying in a really small, crappy motel and the bathroom was only a short distance away. He managed to make it there before vomiting. He felt awful. Like he had the flu on steroids. After vomiting up nearly everything he'd eaten the previous night, he tried to stand up, only to find himself light headed. He sat down on the only seat available in the bathroom.

The sound of Dean's coughing had woken Cas, who had been snoring softly into his pillow and sleeping nicely. He groaned and looked at the clock. Ouch. 6 am. Still, if Dean was sick...Cas threw aside his blankets and rushed to the bathroom to find Dean sitting on the toilet with his head in his hands.

"Dean? Are you okay? I heard some coughing and...is that vomit I smell? Are you sick? Should we call 911?" The former angel was almost panicky. His Dean had never been SICK before! Without his angel powers, he couldn't do anything to heal Dean. What if Dean was REALLY sick?

Dean coughed again, luckily not vomiting. "Dude, calm down. Its just like, the flu or something. Humans get diseases all the time. Its probably like, the twenty-four hour kind and I'll be fine tomorrow. Go back to sleep." He tried to wave Cas away, but Cas was having none of it and still hovered over him like a really annoying old lady who wouldn't leave you alone when you REALLY DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HER!

"No! I'm not leaving you while you're sick." Cas sat down in the floor and attempted to hug Dean, which didn't work too well since Dean was much higher up than he. Cas eventually settled for just staring at Dean, which also didn't work too well since all it did was annoy Dean.

Holding his uneasy stomach, Dean managed to stand up, still nauseated but able to walk without throwing up again. "You can sit on the dirty bathroom floor all you want. I'm going to try and go back to sleep." He made it to the bed and fell asleep almost immediately, even though he was quite nauseous.

Cas still sat on the bathroom floor, a little baffled, but eventually got up and joined Dean in bed. He couldn't go back to sleep, so he settled for staring at Dean while he slept, which was really creepy and would've been totally rape-y looking if he and Dean weren't a thing.

Dean appeared to not have the flu at all, as it seemed that the rest of the day, he wasn't sick at all and even ate two double cheeseburgers for dinner. For some reason that Cas could not figure out, Gabriel, that is, Loki, was looking incredibly smug lately. That is, moreso than usual. He would look at Dean and try not to burst into laughter.

Even Sam found this odd and questioned him on it, to which Loki only replied "I played a trick on him a few weeks ago. I'm just thinking about how funny it was." which seemed to satisfy Sam, since he knew Loki liked to laugh at things that happened a long time ago because he was weird that way.

"I know they said this is an all you can eat place, but I don't think they meant for you to eat THIS much, Dean..." Sam kicked his older brother under the table, glaring at him. Dean just shrugged.

"I'm REALLY hungry. I had some kind of virus this morning and totally threw up everything I ate last night. Can you blame me?" Sam just shrugged, still not entirely convinced, and shot a suspicious glare at his dear Loki, who just gave Sam an innocent smile and a shrug.

Bobby was glaring at his cell phone, totally not paying attention to anything else going on in the room.

"Guys, can you block someone forever? Loki? Can you make it to where a demon can't get my number no matter how powerful he is?" Apparently, Bobby had changed his cell number to avoid the constant barrage of text messages he got from Crowley, but it hadn't worked. Everyone ignored him.

Loki was more interested in pinching Sam's ass, Rachel was just eating her dinner, Cas and Dean were giving each other soulful looks (which prompted Loki to make prolonged gagging noises at them). Bobby was very annoyed. No one would help him get rid of Crowley. Not even his girlfriend. He gave a very un-Bobby-like cry of frustration and pouted, thinking about just destroying his cell phone altogether, but then remembered that Crowley would likely bother him in person if he did this.

Completely ignoring Bobby's Crowley problem, Cas and Dean decided they'd had enough of the meal and started to make out right there in the diner. Which once again prompted Loki to make fun of them. Sam just sighed. His boyfriend was funny, and he loved him, but he sure gave his older brother lots of hell.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note:** More random hilarity ensues when Dean finally figures out what the heck is wrong with him and why Gabriel looks so smug all the time. Cas is baffled, clearly thinking its okay for a man to be pregnant. Bobby keeps trying to avoid talking to Crowley. _

_Why I Hate Tricksters, By Dean Winchester_

_Ch 2._

After the diner incident, they were chased out and told never to come back by the management. Not because of Dean and Cas, but because Loki thought it would be hilarious to prank the patrons by turning all the food into cockroaches. The manager apparently knew about supernatural things and clearly blamed them even though there was no evidence whatsoever, except Loki's smug grin and hysterical giggles.

Sam couldn't help it and smacked Loki's ass, rather hard.

"What was that for? You were laughing too! You have to admit, that was hilarious! Did you see the look on that fat bitch's face when she went for her fifth helping of cake?"

"Despite it being funny, the manager was a hunter and blamed us, and wanted to kill YOU! Since you clearly can't control yourself, I don't think we'll be having many dinner dates..." Sam trailed off as Loki pushed him back onto the bed.

"I prefer eating here anyway. I'd rather eat alone with my Sammy than have to deal with those bores any day!" Loki started undressing Sam. Sam just sighed and enjoyed his Trickster.

Meanwhile, Bobby was having problems. He had changed his number for the fifth time, but Crowley STILL kept texting him, and Rachel kept glaring at him like it was his fault a demon wouldn't leave him alone. She was currently showering while Bobby gave in and sent Crowley an angry text message.

He looked around to make sure no one was in hearing/seeing distance, and flopped down onto he and Rachel's bed and cried. DAMN CROWLEY! WHY wouldn't he leave Bobby alone!

Cas and Dean were having their own problems. Not at all Crowley-related, but still confusing and annoying. Despite it being near midnight, Dean was feeling that awful nausea again. Which led to him throwing up everything he'd eaten at dinner. Cas was still acting like a crazy old lady and wouldn't leave him alone, so worried about him because he kept being sick.

"CAS! STOP IT! I'm fine! You don't have to call 911, dammit. Its just the flu!" He once again tried waving Cas away, which failed of course.

"Loki did this to you! Somehow. I know he did! Gabriel always does this kind of thing! I remember him from when we were in Heaven together...he somehow made you sick!"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, Loki gave me the flu as a trick. That is some lameass trick, let me tell you!"

"Thats not what I mean! He said when he was hanging around the Norse gods, he had a 'situation' and asked how you would handle something similar. Maybe he did something to you related to that incident?"

"Dude, WHAT incident? I don't know my Norse mythology, and neither do you, apparently, or you would know already." Dean sighed and stood up, swaying slightly and, happily for Cas, grabbing hold of him. Cas led him back to the bed.

"So maybe we should read up on all the shit Loki did while he was with Odin and the other Norse gods?" Cas asked, swearing, which surprised Dean. Cas didn't swear often. Apparently his hatred of Loki was deepening.

"Do whatever you want Cas. I'll be fine tomorrow. Its like, the twenty-four hour kind, I'm sure of it." He detached himself from Cas and flopped down on the bed.

"Are you going to stare at me the entire time like you did this morning? That was so rapey that I'd have punched you if we weren't an item." He tried to pull Cas down on top of him, in bed, but Cas was having none of it for once.

"Get some rest. I'm going to borrow some Norse mythology books from Bobby."

Dean rolled his eyes again. IT WAS JUST THE FLU! Why couldn't Cas see that? He always had to make the worse of everything. "Whatever, babe. I'm goin' to bed." He fell asleep instantly. Cas stared at him in that rapey way for about twenty minutes before going to find Bobby to ask him about Norse myths.

Bobby was furiously jabbing his cell phone when Cas found him. Bobby did not even notice Cas enter the room, so absorbed in trying to avoid Crowley, as he was.

"Bobby. Can I borrow some books, please?"

Bobby looked up from his cell phone, slightly confused to see another person in the room, but relieved that it wasn't Crowley. "Uh, yeah, take whatever you want. Wait, what do you want? My books are packed away..."

"Norse mythology. Anything you have about Loki. I'm not trying to find a way to kill him! So don't give me that look. I just want to read the stories about him."

Bobby shrugged and jerked a thumb at a suitcase near his bed. "My books are in there. Take whatever you need. Say, Castiel, I know you faked his death once, but can we REALLY kill Crowley?"

Cas ignored this and helped himself to the books on Norse mythology in Bobby's suitcase. He found a few that seemed to focus on Loki alone and quickly left before Bobby could bother him anymore about that demon that was harassing him.

As he read the stories about Loki, his hatred of the Trickster only deepened. If any of these were true, Loki/Gabriel was a true dick. He'd once called out all the Norse gods on all their faults, which caused him to be killed once. He stole apples from an innocent orchard harvester, which somehow resulted in the pagan gods losing their immortality, for which it seemed like Loki was once again punished and/or killed for.

He killed a giant goddess's father, which led to him...tying a donkey cart around his balls, in an attempt to make her laugh. His attempt had succeeded, but had left him with really aching balls. Castiel found this funny and tried not to laugh himself.

He had fucked a male horse, somehow getting pregnant with his baby, which Castiel also found funny, but a little disturbing. Maybe thats what was wrong with Dean? He was being fucked by a man, so maybe he was pregnant? Maybe thats what Loki had meant by a "situation". Cas thought about that for a bit, then continued to read about the Dickster, which was what he'd started calling Loki in his mind.

Loki had also convinced moronic thunder god, Thor, to dress in drag because Loki had arranged for his hammer to be stolen by the giants as part of some elaborate prank. Loki himself had eagerly volunteered to dress in drag right alongside Thor, which really said a lot about Dickster.

Among his more evil pranks, was the death of Baldur, a good god, supposedly. Cas had seen Baldur at the meeting of pagan gods, and he didn't have the air of a good god about him. Perhaps being murdered by Loki gave him a jaded outlook on life when he had reincarnated.

Cas sighed and went to give the books back to Bobby. He'd tell Dean what he thought tomorrow morning. Bobby was so engrossed in beating his cell phone against a wall that he didn't even notice Castiel. Rachel did, who merely waved, jerked a thumb at Bobby, and rolled her eyes. Cas tried not to laugh and packed Bobby's books back up, leaving unnoticed by the man, who was finding very creative ways to currently insult Crowley.

Dean was asleep when Cas finally crawled into bed beside him. He wrapped his arms around Dean, nuzzled him a bit, then fell asleep himself. Only to be awakened what seemed like mere minutes later by Dean once again getting up and rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Glancing at the clock, Castiel had only thought he'd been asleep for a few minutes. It was actually around 8am. At least all of them had gotten good sleep last night, except perhaps Bobby, who seemed to STILL be beating his cell phone against a wall.

Now convinced that Dean was not dying every time he threw up, Cas didn't rush to the bathroom to hover over him and panic. Dean was a little confused at this.

"Cas? You okay? Or you feeling like you caught my flu? Maybe we shouldn't have fucked while I was sick..."

Cas shook his head. "I'm fine. I don't think you have the flu though."

Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas. "What do you mean? You've never actually been sick yet. Not even the common cold. I think when God made you human he gave you some kind of super immune system too. Same with Rachel. She's never even had the sniffles either, not even when Bobby had this really bad cold one time, and they totally fucked..."

"I was reading stories about the Dickster last night. That is, Loki. If I could kill him, I would. He was evil when he was with the Norse, Dean. REALLY evil. He blatantly murdered people, had a complete disregard for live in general..."

Dean snorted. "Besides the murdering people, that still sounds like OUR Loki."

Cas sighed. "Anyway, I read this one story where he had sex with a male horse and got pregnant."

Dean burst into hysterical laughter. "LOKI! That sack of shit pregnant with ANYTHING? It probably died 2 seconds after being conceived."

Cas glared at him. "No. He actually gave birth to it. It was a male horse named Sleipner."

"Wait, what? Loki gave birth to a HORSE? What the fuck were the Norse smoking? What was LOKI smoking? How does that even WORK?"

"What do you mean? I assumed that people had sex, and occasionally got pregnant...its just natural, right? Loki had sex with something, even though it wasn't human, and got pregnant."

Dean was laughing so hard, tears were trailing down his cheeks. "Dude, Loki is MALE. Cas, men can't get pregnant. In case you didn't notice all those times we fucked, we don't have a vagina. HOW THE HELL Loki managed that shit, I have no idea."

"He's a shapeshifter...and he was an archangel...it probably wasn't too hard for him...wait, what do you mean 'men can't get pregnant'? I thought..." Cas trailed off, realizing how totally mentally retarded he was sounding. Of course men couldn't...but...Loki...and Dean...Cas was completely confused by now.

"No, dude, men can't get pregnant. I have a penis. Loki has a penis. Presumably. I'll have to ask Sam about that some time. Its just stupid mythology..."

"No, its all real. All the stuff that happened to Loki. I asked Bobby. He said it was. At least, that was all I could get in between 'fuck you, Crowley' or other insults directed at said demon. I think Loki made you able to get pregnant when he said he was going to see how you handle a situation he himself had been in."

Dean started to protest, still laughing at the thought of Loki being ANYTHING's mother, when Cas continued.

"I was watching Oprah one day and she was talking about the symptoms of pregnancy. Morning sickness, aching back, mood swings...you've displayed all of those recently."

Dean stopped laughing at Loki long enough to look at Cas in disbelief. "You watch Oprah? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard. Wait, what? My back just hurts because of that time Loki threw me into a wall, and I'm not having mood swings. I'm just eternally pissed at Loki. And its not morning sickness, its the flu!"

"No, Dean. I'm serious! I think Loki somehow found a way to make you pregnant!"

Dean snorted. "Yeah, right. Men cannot get pregnant. Dickface was possibly an exception because...because he's a douche or something. Forget about it. There is NO WAY I'm pregnant!"

Cas just continued to stare at him, not entirely convinced, even though he totally believed everything the Oprah show said and Dean was displaying all signs of being pregnant. "Is there a way to find out? Oprah said people use pregnancy tests."

Dean still goggled at Cas over the gayness of the Oprah thing before he realized that Cas wanted him to take a pregnancy test. He snorted. "I am so not taking a pregnancy test. And stop watching Oprah. You're gay, I totally love that, but please do not be THAT GAY!"

Cas was confused as to why Oprah was bad. She was really smart, always talked about and did wonderful things...why did Dean hate her? It wasn't because her skin was the same chocolate brown like Rachel's was. Dean wasn't racist. He somehow thought Oprah was really gay to watch. But Cas was gay. So why was that bad? The former angel had a massive migraine. He was so confused.

Dean just shook his head and, nausea finally passing, headed down to get some breakfast. The inn served wonderful breakfasts. Cas and his damn Oprah...he sighed. He was so NOT taking a pregnancy test!

Bobby and Rachel were already down there, eating scrambled eggs and bacon. Thank God he had already thrown up this morning or he'd be doing it now. The eggs and bacon smelled wonderful. He found the skillet and piled a plate full.

"Bobby, you know what, JUST THROW THE DAMN THING AWAY!" Rachel managed to wrestle the cell phone out of Bobby's hands. He had been doing nothing but swearing at it and cussing out Crowley. Rachel threw the cell phone in the nearby wastebasket. "THERE! Now maybe you can stop obsessing over Crowley long enough to pay attention to ME?"

Rachel was obviously exasperated and had enough of Bobby's constant obsessing over ways to get Crowley to stop texting him and had had enough. Bobby was almost grateful to her, but some part of him kind of missed the demon.

The cell phone was now ringing, even though it was on silent. DAMN CROWLEY! Rachel picked the phone out of the wastebasket and smashed it under her spiked heels. She sighed in relief, as did Bobby. No more Crowley. Thank the Heavens!

As if answering Rachel's thoughts, Crowley suddenly appeared right there in the kitchen.

"BOBBY! Why did you break your cell phone? I thought you like talking to me?"

Bobby glared at him. "YOU WOULDN'T STOP TEXTING ME! I told you to stop. Do one hundred nos mean yes to you or something?"

Rachel stepped in front of Crowley, a glare on her face. "Leave my boyfriend alone. Or I'll somehow find your REAL bones and burn the shit out of them."

Crowley instantly recognized her. He looked at her in disbelief for a second, then bust out laughing.

"You're human! What the fuck! Seriously, you gave up being hotshit among the angels to come down and fuck an old man?"

Rachel slapped Crowley, but she wasn't exactly very strong and this did nothing but irritate him further. "I love Bobby. God made me human. Bobby knows who I once was. He doesn't care. I like being human. I can't imagine...not being human. It was a gift, not a punishment. God doesn't care about demons, so I guess thats why you're not human. Go away!"

Crowley shook his head. "No! Not until Bobby buys a new cell phone so we can talk!" He was interrupted when Dean smashed a hot skillet full of frying bacon over his head.

Being the King of Hell, Crowley was just dazed and got up, glaring at Dean, then giving him a disbelieving look, coupled with confusion. "Dean? What the fuck? How did?" Crowley was laughing so hard he was holding his sides.

Dean just shrugged at Bobby and Rachel. He had no clue what Crowley was talking about.

Loki started to come down the stairs to get himself something to eat, but immediately turned tail when he saw the King of Hell. Crowley couldn't hurt him, but he was sure to say something to Dean about Loki's little joke...Sam had followed Loki downstairs, so Loki grabbed him and pulled him back upstairs, making up something about how he wanted to eat out and how he would definitely NOT prank anyone this time. He and Sam teleported to a small diner, well away from the inn.

Back at the inn, Crowley had just finished explaining his laughter to an increasingly confused and terrified Dean. Crowley rarely lied, and Cas believed the same thing...could it be? Could he really be pregnant? Loki himself had been pregnant before, so a man getting pregnant wasn't ENTIRELY off the table when one dealt with magic and demons on a daily basis.

Dean sat down at the table and put his head in his hands. GODDAMMIT IT ALL! He would take Cas's pregnancy test. Curse Crowley and his meddling. No wonder Bobby hated him so much!


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note:** Crowley sticks around for annoying hijinks. Loki and Sam (strangely) laugh at Dean's predicament. Cas is utterly baffled by the entire thing, but is already totally in love with he and Dean's baby. Understandable Crowley bashing (occasionally literally)._

_Why I Hate Tricksters, By Dean Winchester_

_Ch 3._

At a small diner, Sam and his lover, Loki, were eating breakfast in relative peace. Loki hadn't pranked anyone, which made Sam a little suspicious. As much as Loki loved him, he also loved pissing people off almost as much as he loved Sam. Loki was eating his eggs in silence, when Sam finally decided to question him.

"Loki, sweetie...what the hell?"

Loki looked up from his plate innocently. "What do you mean, Sammy? I didn't do anything. Look around. No one is screaming!"

Sam rolled his eyes. "I mean, what did you do to Dean? Or Bobby? As soon as you went down stairs, you turned right around and insisted we eat out and you've been good the entire time. Thats not you at all. You can't go a full twenty minutes without insulting someone or pranking someone."

"Uhm...I...have a cold?" he phrased this as a question. Sam wouldn't believe it, but he couldn't help but try.

Sam snorted. "Hun, you expect me to believe that? You're a god. Gods don't get sick, as you've been ready to remind me of the many times I've told you to put on a coat when its cold."

Loki shuffled his feet, almost looking embarrassed. "Uhm...well, I uh..." Loki mumbled something incoherent, but Sam was able to make out the words 'Dean' and 'Cas'.

Sam sighed. He loved Loki, quite a lot, but the Trickster just wouldn't leave those two alone, despite Sam's pleas. "Okay, what did you do to Dean and Cas? And speak up this time. I couldn't hear your mumbling."

"Well, I uh...sort of...played this joke on them. Its really funny, actually. You'll totally laugh when you hear it." Loki did not continue.

Sam glared at his lover impatiently. "WHAT joke? What did you do to them, Loki? Tell me, or you're sleeping on the floor tonight."

Loki winced, but grinned at Sam and told him what he'd done to Dean and Cas. Which prompted Sam to simply stare at Loki in disbelief.

"Dude...you are one fucked up bastard, you know that?"

"Dean hit me with a lamp, and Castiel tried to strangle me!"

"You told me that. About twenty times already. But you didn't have to...make Dean capable of becoming pregnant with Cas's baby? What the fuck, again, dude?"

Sam didn't really sound angry, just confused, and, it seemed, like he was trying not to burst out laughing.

"I...thought it would be funny?"

Sam couldn't help it anymore. He started laughing, until tears trailed down his cheeks and he was holding his sides. Loki was so fucked up, but he was so damn funny. What Dean must be thinking right now!

Back at the inn, Dean was NOT HAPPY AT ALL, which was just a slight understatement. When he told Cas what Crowley had said, Cas seemed positively delighted. Dean was horrified and just gave Cas a nasty glare before telling him that it was NOT GOOD and that he was horrified and that he was going to murder Loki the first chance he got. Which prompted Cas to become instantly protective of Dean, and his baby.

"You will not do anything to Loki! What if you hurt our baby? What if Dickster does?" Cas pulled Dean into an almost rib-cracking hug.

"What if YOU hurt our baby by doing shit like that? I swear to God you cracked a few ribs." Cas instantly let go.

"I was right, you know. I told you Oprah knows everything. I told you that you were pregnant. You believed a demon over me. I'm...kind of hurt." Cas pouted and went downstairs, leaving Dean alone to think about his situation.

Dean seriously still couldn't believe it. WHAT the fucking fuck? He'd never really wanted children before, and even when he HAD thought about having children...he'd thought of being the FATHER, not the mother! Cas seemed already way overprotective of their unborn child, which did not speak of good news for the future.

If Cas was already this protective of him, wait until later on, when other things started happening...perhaps he'd have to start watching Oprah with Cas.

Downstairs, Cas was sitting at the table, eating breakfast and pouting. Dean had run him off when all he was doing was trying to protect his baby! As an angel, he'd never given much thought to children. Even when he became human, it hadn't even occurred to him. But as soon as he'd learned that he would be a father in 8 months or so...some primal instinct to protect his unborn child had kicked in.

Apparently that had offended Dean. The...mother...of his baby. His baby. God had given him more than just a lover. God had given him a...child. It was more than he could take. He started crying right there at the breakfast table, which drew looks from everyone else in the room.

Crowley, who hadn't left, slapped Cas on the back.

"How does it feel, knowing you're gonna be a daddy pretty soon? I know when my son was born, I was so proud. Even though he ended up hating me in the end, it was still the most wonderful thing in the world, to be a father..." Crowley stopped talking when Cas just glared at him.

"Crowley, uh, so...how would this work for a man? I mean, how uh, would the baby come OUT? Men don't exactly have the right parts for it, if you catch my drift." This was from Rachel, the sole female in their traveling group.

The King of Hell shrugged. "How the Hell, no pun intended, should I know? The Trickster, that Loki guy that Sam is fucking, he was pregnant before. Why not ask him how? I'm just the King of Hell. Its not my job to be Mr. Exposition Man. Though I do think I'll stick around for awhile. Ya'll are just too damn entertaining. Besides, its way more fun to talk to Bobby in person than it is to not get texted back by him."

Crowley sat down in a nearby chair, tilted it back and placed his feet on the table.

"Asshat, people are trying to eat. Get your damned demon feet off the table here!" Bobby forcibly shoved Crowley's feet off the table. The demon glared at him and just put his feet right back up there. Bobby sighed. All he wanted was to be left alone by Crowley.

"Don't you have a Hell to run? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, RUNNING IT?" Bobby asked.

Crowley sipped a glass of wine he'd conjured from thin air. "Not really. Well, yes, but its not like I don't have plenty of demon minions to just sit there and do nothing while I enjoy myself. Say Bobby, any deals you'd like to make?"

Bobby was disgusted. "NO!" With Rachel's help, they managed to knock Crowley to the floor by pulling the chair out from under him.

"That wasn't very nice, was it?" The demon dusted off invisible dirt, uprighted the chair, and sat back down. Bobby and Rachel could tell they were going to be stuck with the King of Hell for a long time. Maybe Rachel shouldn't have broke Bobby's cell phone. She was considering this when Sam and Loki came in the door.

Crowley stood up, bowed and toasted Loki, who had no real idea why. "Cheers, Trickster. I think Castiel here would like to ask you something."

Sam just shrugged, confused as usual. Loki glared at Crowley. "You're an asshat. And that means something, coming from me, the King of Asshats. Well, actually, that title should probably go to you now." Loki insulted Crowley in a rather lame manner, but entered the kitchen anyway. Sam went upstairs to laugh at Loki's joke in private.

Loki stalked over to Castiel. "Well, what? King Asshat said you wanted to ask me something? I assume you know all about the little joke I played on you and Dean..."

Cas just glared at Loki, and at Crowley for making the Trickster come in here. "I know you...made Dean pregnant with my child. Rachel was wondering, as was I, once I thought about it a bit, how will...uhm...well, how will Dean give birth?"

The Dickster just looked at Cas with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He burst into laughter. Castiel's tone was so dry and serious! Which made it all the funnier.

"Well, you see, Cas, maybe Dean isn't male like we all thought. He might be a woman. That could be totally why he got pregnant..." Loki changed course when he noticed everyone was giving him nasty looks, even Crowley for some reason, "Okay, fine. Same shit happened to me before, when I was hanging out with Odin and his buddies. I just used a modified spell from the one I used on myself. Lets just say he'll have all the right parts in all the right places when the time comes."

Loki looked thoughtful for a moment. "So that DOES mean Dean will be a woman for awhile. Does that still make you guys gay?"

Cas threw a very burnt piece of bacon as Loki. Which did absolutely nothing. Loki just caught it and ate it, explaining that he loved really crunchy bacon. "Will the baby be okay? I watched Oprah, and she said babies grow in the uterus. Dean's a man. He told me he doesn't have a uterus."

Loki rolled his eyes. "I TOLD YOU! Its just a modified spell. Dean's got all the right parts he needs for your precious spawn, Castiel. Good God, maybe it wasn't that funny to play this kind of joke on Dean...just IMAGINE what your offspring will be like..."

This time, Castiel whacked Loki over the head with another skillet, which had appeared on the stove, seemingly from no where.

The Dickster reached up and touched a bloody cut on his head. "That was so not nice. Really now! I gave you two a gift! If it weren't for me, you'd be childless or you'd have to adopt something. Now, you get a REAL Dean plus Castiel baby! Consider it like, a belated anniversary present or something."

Cas kicked Loki. The Trickster ran off upstairs to find Sam.

"So, this is so awkward. I would offer to get out of your hair while you sort his out, but its much funnier to watch and be part of the action." This from Crowley, who still had not moved.

"I'm going back upstairs to talk to Dean. He'll probably want to know what Loki said." Cas abruptly got up from the table and also headed upstairs, leaving Crowley alone with the two people who hated him most, Bobby and Rachel.

"So, anyone for a game of cards? I swear I don't cheat." Bobby and Rachel glared at him once more. Crowley was getting a bit tired of all the glares he got from people.

When Cas entered his bedroom, he found Dean watching TV. He almost snorted. He was watching Oprah.

"I thought you didn't like Oprah?" Cas questioned him.

"Uh...I just thought that...with this situation...maybe it might be helpful to watch. She just gave a bunch of people new cars. This isn't helpful at all, Cas. What the hell?"

"Not all the shows are the same, Dean. Sometimes they're about different stuff. There was this one episode where this lady and her dog...uhm, nevermind. How do you feel?"

"You know, its going to be a VERY long 8 months if you're like this the entire time. I feel fine. FINE! So, dude, stop badgering me like I'm a lost puppy, okay?"

Cas was not offended at all by this and merely sat down on the bed next to Dean and just hugged him. He kissed him here and there, but for the most part was extremely gentle and un-sexy, in Dean's opinion.

"Are you going to be this boring the entire time too? I STILL can't believe I'm pregnant, but if its true, pregnant women can fuck throughout their entire pregnancy. I expect the same treatment from you. If I want to fuck, we're gonna fuck, okay? None of this oh-so-chaste stuff."

"I don't want to hurt the baby on accident. What if when we're...together...it hurts the baby?"

Dean sighed and pulled Cas down onto the bed, on top of him. "It won't hurt the baby. Your...our...baby will be fine. My friend Lisa had sex while pregnant all the way until her eighth month. Trust me, babe."

"I...don't know why, but I already love our baby. I wouldn't want to do anything at all to hurt him or her. I'll protect you both with my life." Cas nuzzled Dean protectively, lovingly.

"Cas, shut up and fuck me."

Cas sighed and gave in. He made love to Dean right then and there.


End file.
